Obama Wins Heisman Trophy!

by Mark Katz

The Nobel is not the only award the president does not deserve. Mark Katz imagines the prizes yet to come.

Statement of President Barack Obama on Winning the Oscar for Best Actor
You love me!! You really love me!!
[PAUSE FOR LOUD, KNOWING LAUGHTER FOLLOWED BY THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]

"I would like to thank the Academy for this most unusual honor—which, if I understand it correctly, is being awarded to me for the outstanding performance that Denzel Washington will most certainly deliver in his next film, Brothers in Arms. I understand full well that this award is not for accomplishments I myself have achieved but for the hope I have been able to inspire. And so I accept this award on behalf of those transformative actors who have inspired the world by their portrayals of great men: Charlton Heston as Moses. Ben Kingsley as Gandhi. And Jim Carrey for his portrayal of God in Bruce Almighty.

"Of course, none of this would be possible with my agent, Ari Emanuel. It is with deep humility that I accept this prize for the acceptance speech that I delivered with deep humility. In truth, I am in fact humbled by the very power of humility and have real doubts about my own ability to express its very deepness in the face of humilities’ daunting greatness. "

Statement of President Barack Obama on Winning the Emmy for Best Televised Acceptance Speech of a Nobel Peace Prize. First of all, let's give it up for Neil Patrick Harris—the man who has successfully delivered real change and given new hope to the next generation of televised award-show audiences!

"It is with deep humility that I accept this prize for the acceptance speech that I delivered with deep humility. In truth, I am in fact humbled by the very power of humility and have real doubts about my own ability to express its very deepness in the face of humilities’ daunting greatness. But this award is not for me. It is for the power of stirring, goose-pimply rhetoric that makes those who are privileged to hear it swoon in rapture. And so I would like to take this opportunity to thank the person who first inspired me to talk the walk—and walk the talk. And to stare into a TV camera and wax poetic about truth, justice, hope, and all that. Won't you please stand up, Mr. Aaron Sorkin!!!"

Statement of President Barack Obama on Winning the Man of the Year Award from the American Committee for Job Creation, Fiscal Responsibility, and Backing Up Rhetoric with Concrete Action.

"Thank you. I would like to thank Chairman of the Republican National Committee Michael Steele for the inspiration he provided to the creators of this political action committee, which to be honest is just a letterhead generated by The Center for American Progress.

Very clever, Podesta—you guys are good! However, in all seriousness, I believe there is truly a need for a prize such as this and I hope to win it again next year. In the meantime, I have decided to set up a trust to perpetuate this institution going forward and have decided to fund it with the money I was recently awarded with a MacArthur "genius" grant. In your face, Steele."

Statement of President Barack Obama Upon Being Awarded The First Annual Golden Obama.

"It is indeed a double honor you have given me: First, naming this prize, which honors the public figure who exhibits the most prize-winning qualities after me. And then awarding to it me as its first recipient. I mean, I don't think Alfred Nobel won a Nobel Prize, nor did Joseph Pulitzer win a Pulitzer nor did Tony Randall ever win a Tony. I could go on and on. I hope I will continue to live up to the high prize-winning standards that are embodied in its namesake, President Barack Obama. Thank you and good night."